Discovery – the power of forgiveness to heal

Why should I forgive them? They shouldn’t have done it to me. They’re to blame; it’s not my fault.

Forgiveness sets US free. It releases us from the past. It opens us up to the present, to be here now.

The "perpetrator" probably doesn’t give a damn, doesn’t even know, may not even have thought that they had “wronged” you, haven’t given it a second thought since it happened. Which, sadly, may have happened years and years ago.

It happened, wishing it hadn't is natural but it did and if it hasn't been forgiven and released, for you it is still happening, right here, right now.

By holding onto the grievance, the resentment, you are keeping yourself locked into the past, and in this case, the painful past.

Just look at the word “re-sent-ment.” Who is resending this to you time and time again, who is re feeling this? You are, I was. I honestly thought I was punishing the perpetrators for the pain they caused me and it was a BIG wake up to find that I was punishing myself.

Feelings of anger and resentment just poison our bodies, these angry and resentful thoughts cause us stress so we secrete cortisol and adrenalin. They may cause us to lose sleep, to have bad dreams. Excess cortisol secretion can lead to high blood pressure, tension, bad digestion and so on. It's now well known that stress is a major contributor to ill health so why add to it by holding on to anger and resentment?

Holding on keeps us in the flight, fight or freeze mode because as far as we're concerned, it's still happening. Another good reason to forgive and let go.

Forgiveness is not always easy to find especially if you are telling yourself it “shouldn’t have happened.” Maybe it shouldn’t, but it has and saying, "get over it" is not always possible without help.

There are times when I have been seriously unkind and said things I later regretted. But why? Because in that moment I, for whatever reason am in pain so I can assume that the people who hurt me are/were also in pain. The more I let go of my wounds, the more my heart opens to all, the more that I can accept all. the more I am unhurtable (if that's a word), the more resilient to stress I become. I lose my knee jerk reactions to potentially stressful situations.

I haven't worked out if these situations simply don't arise anymore or if I don't notice them. I do notice that people get upset over things and I'm curious. Did I use to be reactive like that?

Forgiveness – to give up, allow.

Just think of someone you haven’t forgiven, how do you feel in your body. Do you feel tight, hard, resistant? Where in your body do you feel it? Does your body feel comfortable?

Now think of someone you love, or a pet, who you would always forgive and see how you feel now. Now think of yourself, how forgiving of yourself are you? Do you feel love and kindness toward yourself?

True forgiveness is a felt sense, a visceral and somatic experience. It does not occur in the mind alone.

So what if you absolutely can’t forgive?

Recovery

Try writing a letter to them (you won’t send it so it doesn’t matter what you write and do it on paper as you are going to burn it afterwards.

We have all had experiences that we would probably prefer not to have had, seriously bad experiences but it's probably true to say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If you can transcend and integrate the experience, you grow.

My father was an alcoholic and that caused him to be totally erratic and unpredictable. And I hated that. Of course, as a child, I couldn't understand but as an adult, taking a step back, I know that it wasn't a life style choice. It was his way of dealing with his pain. We all adopt habits and addictions to comfort ourselves so am I going to condemn someone, withhold forgiveness from someone, or myself, because of the pain they and I are feeling?

"Judge softly," Mary T. Lathrapp

"Walk a mile in their moccasins," American Indian proverb

“The Journey” with Brandon Bays is an awesome forgiveness process. And so is "Loving What is," by Byron Katy

Try forgiving a little and see how good it feels. Maybe increase that amount. If you can’t forgive, seek help. Just saying, "I forgive" is not sufficient, though it's a very good start, as it’s a felt thing and simply giving lip service just doesn't set us free.

Keep forgiving, maybe try saying something like “it is love that forgives through me.”

Try Ho'ponopono (Hawaiian Forgiveness Mantra: I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me)

I have found that events can have many aspects and they all need my forgiveness.

I would like to point out that forgiving someone does not mean condoning the action. It may remain appalling and even unforgivable (now there’s a paradox) but the damaged, hurt, human perpetrator is forgivable and that includes you. You too are in need of your own love and forgiveness.

Work through your “list” of people and events that need your forgiveness. This may take some time! You will know whether it is complete by how you feel in your body. Be gentle with yourself, some things do seem impossible to allow and accept, get help.

The more I forgave, the more I released, the freer I became, the more I recovered, the more accepting I became, the more my heart opened. It's still a work in progress. It probably always will be. I may always have judgements about other peoples actions and behaviours and my own but I really don't need to hang onto them. As I notice them arise, from someone cutting me up in traffic, someone letting a door go in my face, me being a bit short with my husband, I work through why I am feeling the way I am and then - forgive, me, them and anyone else.

And a paradox occurs when, ultimately, one finds that there is nothing to forgive.

Resources

The Journey - Brandon Bays

The Sedona Method

Institute of HeartMath practices

Ho'ponopono (Hawaiian Forgiveness Mantra: I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me)

Loving What Is - Byron Katy

EFT

Search the internet, I'm sure you'll find others.

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