Discovery - Ask open questions. The power of self-inquiry
- Jill Dunsford
- Oct 12, 2019
- 5 min read
Updated: Dec 5, 2019
The first healer I had repeatedly told me that "All my answers are within me," from which I inferred I needed to ask myself relevant questions. But what is a "relevant question?"
These days I’m frequently having an inner dialogue. As soon as I notice a body or somatic reaction I investigate. Something has triggered this response and if it’s a negative response that increases my stress reaction, I don’t want it. I want to resolve it as soon as possible so that I may return to an enhanced state of wellbeing and peacefulness.
How do I know to do/feel this sensation?
If I’m doing something, whatever it is, whether I’m being afraid, jealous, angry, feeling a knot in my stomach, tension in my jaw or shoulders, pain in my back or anywhere, I know how to do it and it may well be counterproductive and against my best interests. I may know how to do it but not why I am doing it. Asking myself why I am doing something opens me up to telling myself a story and that’s not necessarily a particularly constructive approach.
How do I know to be angry? Somewhere, sometime I felt deprived and hurt. Is that my experience now? Well yes it is because I’m feeling that but is it realistic in the present circumstances and even if it is, can I let it go? Does this feeling serve me? What would I prefer to experience? What is stopping the love flowing, that feeling of deep peace and well being?
It is my responsibility, I can change my feeling experience even if the initial “knee jerk” reaction was anger or fear. Noticing, becoming aware of the response means I now have choice. Stuff happens and will always happen, how I respond is my choice.
Freedom is not preventing feeling or life but accepting all that is.
I found I had to get real. I was seriously angry but expressing anger as a child was, to put it bluntly, dangerous. So what did I do with it? I supressed it and developed all sorts of muscular armouring in order not to feel it. My body was much stiffer than it is today because I've released a lot of it. I can't say all of it because, how do I know?
When I first came across my anger it really frightened me.
I am walking my dog on a nearby area of common land and suddenly I feel totally overwhelmed by rage. It’s so strong I think I’m going to die.
All that energy tied up inside me. Bit by bit and using whatever technique helped, helped me integrate it. Not all at once but over time.
I used EFT, mindfulness, body scanning, sparring. In fact the first time I sparred with anyone I was amazed at the feeling of peace I felt afterwards and I did it for less than 5 minutes. A deep letting go, a deep tranquility, a deep sense of freedom.
Some people will find a situation very difficult and others won’t even notice.
Some of us are more resourceful and resilient than others but you can learn to be more resourceful and resilient, (see HeartMath). You can raise your threshold from someone who reacts badly to everything to someone who takes most of life in their stride. Believe me, life is much more comfortable that way and infinitely more enjoyable. I've done both. It's not to blame anyone or yourself but you are simply being triggered into feelings and behaviours that originated when you were very small and didn't have access to the tools and resources that you can access now. And you can learn to have these resources.
If you raise your tolerance level for difficulties, you will not even notice them happening. I haven’t decided whether, some trauma I have integrated, no longer comes to haunt me or whether it simply doesn’t happen as I just don’t see it anymore. Also thinking about the original incident no longer carries an emotional “charge.” It’s almost as if it didn’t happen or happened to someone else which in a way is true, I was someone else then.
Another question often asked is "who/what am I?"
This is an interesting question and can be done as an exercise with someone else. If you choose to do it with a partner, get him/her to ask you the question "who are you?" and when you reply, they then say thank you and repeat the question, "who are you?" and continue for as long as you like or until you can't come up with an answer. Or simply ask yourself that same question.
What's the story I'm telling myself?
If I'm suffering, I'm resisting what is happening and I'm probably saying something like "it shouldn't have happened." It's not "well it did, get over it," that's far too crude and we would have got over it if we could at the time. But just looking at the very idea that I'm telling myself a story helps to distance myself from it and bring in more perspectives. Stuff happens and - we don't like a lot of it, but bad stuff can help us grow.
What's the benefit to being ill?
This may well be a challenging question but it's well worth asking because there may well be a secondary gain. For me, it meant I didn't have to go to work at a job I found completely unfulfilling. I was in the wrong job.
It takes total honesty with yourself (no-one else need know). Once you know, you can move towards finding something that gives meaning and purpose to your life, that lights you up, brings pleasure and satisfaction.
Another benefit was using it to avoid situations that made me feel uncomfortable or that I didn't want to do. I was able to control not only me but other people as well. I realised I hadn't the courage to say no, so I felt (more) ill instead. Remember though that this is totally out of one's conscious awareness until you make it conscious. No blame, no judgement, no self condemnation, simply self acceptance of the only tool I had to control the overwhelm I was experiencing.
My life as a child had been chaotic, challengingand now I could use this illness to avoid it. In the end I have chosen to face it, face my demons so that I no longer live a half life.
More questions;
What's the worse thing that can happen? And if that happens, what is the worst thing that can happen? And if that.....?
Is it true?
What am I feeling?
Where in my body am I feeling it?
When have I felt like this before? And before that? And before that?
If there is a root cause, what is it? If there is a core event...?
Is this "old stuff" coming up?
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